COMMUNITY ARCHIVES
3 AM at St. Mary
JEFF PADGETT - sT. mARY PEAK VOLUNTEER LOOKOUT HOST
I awoke thinking of death And being unable to go back to sleep Read of death in Leaves of Grass “Yourself! Yourself! Yourself, forever and ever!”
The darkness envelops It is fearful, yet common The comforting hearths of the ants of the Bitterroot Valley below me Yet on the other side, black I know what is there but I cannot see it
I stay in my glass box Protected from the dark Covered by the limitless roof
What makes life seem so bleak in the middle of the night? Why do I seek the reassurance of light?
I fear what I cannot see I fear what I cannot comprehend Overhead the ocean of infinity twinkles Do the ants of distant galaxies write of fear?
It is more than fear, it is vastness It is being lost in a cosmos so much larger than myself It is wanting, wanting to belong
So Hamilton comforts me and the inky black of the Selway Bitterroot does not And the limitless roof Enfolds a lone ant on a mountaintop Seeking community with the glow of his headlamp
[Jeff Padgett, 2018 at Saint Mary Lookout]
About Jeff Padgett
Volunteer SBFC Lookout at St. Mary since 2015
Jeff was born in Santa Monica, CA but grew up in Hayward, CA. After graduating from UC Berkeley with a BS in Forestry, Jeff and his future wife, Cathy Stewart, moved to Missoula, which they have made their home since 1980. Unable to find a permanent job in forestry, Jeff earned a BA in Mathematics at the University of Montana and became a high school math and science teacher for 25 years, working seasonally for the US Forest Service for 22 summers. It was the best of both worlds! He loved being a teacher but he also got paid to be in the woods every summer! Both he and Cathy are retired. Volunteering at St. Mary is one of the more rewarding things Jeff has ever done, though it doesn't quite compare with being a father of two lovely daughters.